The Long and Winding Road

 
Like all gothic novels, my story wouldn't be complete or even half as interesting without my alter ego. My foil. The strange character that you never really quite figure out if they are real... or another manifestation of the protagonists mind... The Tyler Durden character.


I met mine when we were very young children. Our roles were established almost from day one. She was the risk taker and the extrovert. I covered for her and egged her on. We were the same age, same stature, same artistically dramatic flair. Many times over the years we successfully posed as sisters to the unknowing. We may decide to do it again sometime.

Our relationship was tumultuous from the beginning as our mothers were close friends. I was compared to her, she felt like she was competing with me.

The crux of this story happens during our teenage years. At some point between 9th and 10th grades we had a falling out. My interpretation is that our competitive natures and teenage girl hormones got the best of us. We stopped talking almost entirely which left a staggering void in my life. We had been nearly inseparable.

She was accepted into a High School of the Performing Arts in a Southern city I had never heard of and went to live there and finish out high school. I was frankly glad that she was gone. I imagine that most people don't know what it's like to live life with a living alter ego... the competition was brutal.

I continued a blissfully singular life on my own after that. I got reports through the Mother-vine that she was living the life she'd been dreaming about; performing and experimenting and partying.

I had an odd experience while sleeping one night. I "dreamed" that I woke up and was frozen in place, unable to move. At that time I didn't know much about lucid dreaming, but now I know that must have been the state I was in. I was firmly in my body, but unable to move. Standing at the foot of my bed was a large dark shadowy figure. Not moving or speaking; just standing. I could not see his features or what he was wearing. He was literally a shadow figure.

I wasn't afraid until I realized that I could not move. Then I panicked and "woke up".

It was around this time that I got a stereotypical sense of foreboding. Specifically about her. It was unnerving because I was very glad to be rid of her at the time. I talked to my Mom about the feeling and she encouraged me to write her a letter explaining that I was worrying about her...

I did indeed write that letter. It began "It's me. Don't be too surprised." I put it in the mail on a Friday afternoon.

On Monday I was coming home from school with my dear friend Sara who is endlessly silly and sweet. I mentioned that I had sent the letter and expressed some regret and worry that it wouldn't be well received on the other end. I walked into my house and into the dining room where I met my mother with an odd look on her face holding out an envelope.

It had come from her to me. Sent on the same day. The same opening line, written in her crazy handwriting... "Don't be too surprised it's me!!"

To be continued in The Stranger At the Foot of My Bed...

(photograph by Richard X. Thripp)

The Man on the Train

Inspired by Shift Your Spirits I am going to try and put some of my more interesting experiences into a series of posts...

I was in New York City in the Spring 1989. I do not know who I was with or why I ended up there but I was on a subway train.

At the moment our train stopped in a station that I do not remember the name of the train doors opened and across the platform, in another train with their train doors open was a man. He was young. Approximately my age or a few years older; early twenties. He wore a trench coat and sat on a bench mirroring my position on my own bench.

We locked gazes and I had a stunning jolt of recognition.

The trains doors shut and my life resumed. I spent the entire next week searching for him in crowds. I looked into the faces of every person I passed on the street. That search is almost the only thing I remember about that trip to New York. Searching and searching for that man that I just knew that I knew.

That memory of the phantom man on the train has persisted... One of the odd things about myself that most people don't know about me. I often wondered if he was indeed a real person, a ghost... an angel? Was I supposed to see him? Or was it an accident? I don't believe in accidents... 

I know that at the time I thought perhaps it was John who I had met the summer before for only 15 minutes but had been exchanging letters with and felt a deep spiritual connection to. 13 years later John and I would get married...

(the photograph is London's Barking Cross station from a Wapedia article about cross platform interchange)

What Do You Give Up For Lent?

Lent, the somber season between Ash Wednesday and Easter is the time to reflect on Christ's sacrifice and our own sacrifices that ultimately make us better people. Catholic's all over the world celebrate Shrove Tuesday, the last day before Lent as their last big indulgence before entering the Lenten season and giving something up as their own personal sacrifice.

Growing up it meant that all my friends gave up something like, chocolate, soda, or candy for Lent. In our house my Mom tried to get us to into the habit of not eating meat on Fridays. Best of all went to Saint Al's for fish fry's...

This year I'm trying to find something to give up that is actually do-able. It will be hard but it has to something that is actually in the realm of possibility because I will feel terrible if I pledge to give up something and then am totally unable to follow through....

Any ideas?? I have a week....

Ghostie Ghostie

One o'clock the ghost aint here...

Ghostie Ghostie
We had a neighborhood full of kids when I was growing up. I was the littlest. If I was really lucky the older kids would allow me to join in on their games. It may have actually been called Ghost in the Graveyard, but I was a lot littler and Ghostie Ghostie is how my brain processed it between the ages of 5 and 10.

The Justins lived directly across the street and the Conways lived next to them. Both families had about 6 kids each so they dominated the game decisions.

Ghostie Ghostie was played at or in the hour surrounding dusk using the Conways front porch as "base".

From the front steps we chanted "one o'clock the ghost aint here..." and on and on building the tension until we got to Midnight and "the ghost IS here!".

A that point we would shriek as loudly as we could and then try to run all the way around the house and make it back to base without the "ghost" (the person who was It) tagging us.

I absolutely loved this game and was terrified of it at the same time.

I liked it much better than Kick The Can because no one ever got hurt and for some reason when our neighborhood played the can game; someone got hurt. Much like the Pom Pom game that the big kids played at the ice skating pond, I avoided Kick the Can.

I love the memories I have of sitting on the porch steps with the big kids and being allowed to be part of the action. I wonder if they remember that they ever let me play... because it's permanently etched into the mythology of my childhood.

Don't Dream It... Be It

This year I am enjoying the fabulous city that I live in much more than I did last year!

This year I am reading my To Be Read pile.

This year I am lighting a theatrical fire under as many kids as I can.

This year I am a good friend and wife.

This year I am prosperous, comfortable, healthy and at peace.

These are not goals or resolutions. These are things that I am. Somebody said to me "if you do it than that is what you are". Well okay then.

I <3 Cyber Monday

I have to admit it. I hate shopping.

I hate crowds, I hate waiting in line and I especially hate having an image in my mind of what I want and not being able to find it.

I do love, however, shopping online. The ability to search for, see, and purchase exactly what I want is amazing!! I never have to leave my house!!

This year I was able to buy a book I had been coveting for my Dad. This particular book was long gone from the actual book store shelves, but I found it online and with my husbands super discount plus a Cyber Monday coupon I got the hardback edition for $13!!

Along the same lines... I love that I can have pictures printed from my home computer to the drugstore and then go pick them up in just a few hours. We picked the shots we wanted, sent them and got them back with almost no effort. Mom's gift: check.

Most of all I love that Internet shopping opens up the entire world of options to me. I can find something that is only sold at a gift shop in Northern California and have it shipped to me that day! This global shopping center is less than 15 years old, but I am embracing it thoroughly!!!

Now... let me see... what exotic culinary item can I find for sister that she won't expect but will love more than anything...

Lily Liver'd

I lost my Cattledog Wrigley in a divorce 9 years ago.

I think I just got her back.

I keep calling Lily a Sheep and Cattledog... She's definitely Sheltie and definitely something Australian. She is her own self but time after time I want to call her Wrigley. The way she runs, the silly look on her face...

We swore we'd never have another dog. But Loreena wanted one (note the past tense) and she fell into our laps serendipitously like all of our animals do. It just made it seem more like she was meant to be ours.

So she's added to the chaos. Is trying my patience. Is inspiring me to make long awaited changes. Is totally NOT a cat.

My cats are very mad. This time though they've decided to take it out on Loreena! Apparently they know the source of the canine usurper. And I really don't mind washing a basket of peed on clothes because I know that they know that I love them and would have never done that to them if it hadn't been for Loreena.

I do love Lily. And something will give here eventually. We struggle for routine around here and insist that we are letting go of the drama. Stepping off the roller-coaster if you will. I have my own carnival rides to visit. Lily is along for the ride here and she'll do great. We all will.

This next year around the sun is all about creating reality. Letting go and moving forward. Being happy and trusting the Universe to provide what we need to prosperous and loved. Love multiplies love.

Welcome to the carnival Miss Lily. Keep your paws in and enjoy the ride.